i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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