I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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