I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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