Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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