i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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