i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
