No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she looked like the before picture.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
