My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
