I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
