hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
