You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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