I can text with my tongue
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
