He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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