Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
