I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I have post one night stand depression
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
