i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my sisters under your porch take her home
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
