Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
