So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
