Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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