My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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