help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
