Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
