Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
