I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
