Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
