god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
