My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
