Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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