I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
