I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
