You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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