What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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