Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
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