ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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