I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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