someone threw a dead crab at me
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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