I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
we're making bets on your personal life
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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