Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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