we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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