I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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