Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
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I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.