Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
