im drinking this country out of the recession.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.