She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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