I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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