I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
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