So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
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It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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