i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
