I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
