Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I have tasted many bathrooms
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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