I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
