i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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