we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
