Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We had sex on a dog bed..
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
