I think my fart just growled at me.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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