my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
